So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
