i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She needs sedatives and a leash
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
