hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
