I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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