I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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