Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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