someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
