I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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