I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
