I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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