Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
