talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
