Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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