i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
there is puke in my bra ... again
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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