I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
