Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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