I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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