i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
