is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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