No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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