I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
you inspire me to be a worse person
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
