She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
