Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
