So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
