He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
