my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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