I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
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