New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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