is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My vagina is officially offended.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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