it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
