Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
