he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My dad just said "fuck circus"
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
