just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
