I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
