And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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