you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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