I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
