i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
