i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
