Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
apparently the secret to your success is patron
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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