it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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