Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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