I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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