my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
That was an excessively violent trivia night
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
