I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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