I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
