Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
