I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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