I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I have aggressive nipples.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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