What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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