My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
