More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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