You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
