If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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