just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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