my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
