Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize