Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
