remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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