I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
