Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
