We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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