my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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