Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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