There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
