he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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